Sometimes, I wonder...

sometimes, I wonder..

how could her magic fingers erases my tears
how could her hug escapes my worries
how could her words makes me calm
how could her brain gives me outcome to my problems
how could her eyes spreads warmth inside my soul

sometimes, I wonder

how could she love me unconditionally

she has ears to listen my story, my grumble
she has hands to hug me
she has mouth to teach me
she has tears to teach me how she love me so much,
no matter happens..

and i miss her so much, mom..
i need you right now,..

Mom i have problems right now, i really need to talk to you
to share to you, but I cant
I only able to write it here, and somehow hope that you will read it
Mom, no one replace you, not her, not him,
mom, i dont want to loose my soul, dont want to loose my motivation,
dont want to loose my bulan,
bulan who always has lot of motivations,
mom, i want to always have motivation,
motivation to moving on,
motivation for being a tough girl,
mom,
i really hate myself who only muturing my problem,
i want to always have efforts mom,
effort to move on,
and dare facing the world,
mom,
i dont want to afraid with future,
future that i dont know,
future that i havent decide yet,
(*you all, please stop asking me 'what am i planning after i graduate')
mom,
i dont want to loose because of my own expectation,
expectation that always controlled me,
freak me out,
mom,
i want to become better everyday,
i want to learn every day,
i want to dare facing the world,
mom,
sometimes i hate myself,
sometimes i can not see any strenght in myself..
sometimes i have low self esteem which screw my day up,
i loose my self-confidence,

mom,
i dont want to loose myself,
not before i get all my dreams become true,
not before i able to make you proud to me,
mom,
please pray to me,
please always love me from heaven,

you,
please forgive for all of my annoying attitude today,
i know that you hate my annoying-demanding-desperate attitude today,
i know that today you met to superdesperate me which annoys you so much,
i know that you hate that,
but plase, for today, just stay there, and listen my grumble,
and please cheers my day up,
i dont need psikiater,
i need you..
please be patience to me,

sometimes I wonder,
why i need some hours to close my eyes,
breathing,
and forget about my expectation for a while,
forget about the facts that hurted me,

mom, i need you to wash my brain,
and ready to begin my fight again..

*at this time, i remember for us 3,5 years ago
me was crying in front of you
and i was wondered whether i capable to achive my dreams
i was so down that day, just like today,
and you try to cheers me,
but deep inside my heart,
it was not that i was worried
but,
wheter i capable to make you and dad proud to me,

today, that question flying in front of my head too,
what i want to do is make you and dad happy and proud to me
to erase my guilty because i was forced you for being here,
and to fulfill my promise to you

mom, are you proud to have a daughter like me?

i heard my mom whispered to me: "bulan, jangan pernah putus asa"